Is Your Gay Son Succeeding In High School?
It is true that an increasing number of gay teens are coming out than was the case a couple decades ago. A majority of gay males still tend to wait until they move from home to attend college or even later before becoming courageous enough to share that important part of their identity with friends and family. In fact, a large portion of gay men never come out to one of both of their parents, something that is frequently an issue of great regret after a parent’s passing. Parents never sign a contract promising to be enthusiastic about their child’s sexual orientation, no matter what that identity is. Being truthful, most of us would like to pretend that our children will always be completely non-sexual beings–at least for as long as possible. However, a parent does need to be supportive of a child in a number of important ways.
I write this piece from a particular perspective. I have been a professor in highly selective universities for more than three decades. Most of my students, with a few notable exceptions, quickly learn that I am available to them for their academic problems, but they often expand those discussions to other things that impact their lives. Many of these students share experiences that happened prior to their arrival on my campus.
Naturally some of these students are bisexual or gay or, sometimes, a bit unsure. Gay males particularly will often talk about their high school experiences. In some cases these gay young men had high school years tht were straight out of the happy teen Hollywood movies, but, for many others, high school was more of an ordeal to endure rather than a time for learning and fun. My students, regardless of their sexual orientation, handled their high school years rather well. Kids who don’t function successfully in high school never find their ways onto my campus. I wonder about those who did not have the coping skills to successfully endure the challenging times, which for some gay students occur many times each day.
If you have a gay son in high school, whether or not he has told you he is gay, he may be experiencing a difficult time when he heads off each morning to what is supposed to be an environment of learning. Harassment impact nearly half of all gay male students in high school. In most cases, those victims are too embarassed to talk to anyone about it; they often feel as if they should be able to handle their own problems.
Unfortunately, for many bisexual or gay students, home is often anything but a safe haven. In about one third of the cases of gay students one or more family members physically abuses them because of their sexual orientation. Some of the abused kids leave home voluntarily in order to protect themselves; others are forced to leave. Some of those victims are able to move in with friends who have supportive friends, while others become homeless. I hope your gay child will have a nurturing environment that will enable him to get off to a good start in achieving his life’s goals.
Whether or not you accept his sexuality, you have a duty to be able to maintain communication with your son by trying to establish an atmosphere that is open to dialogue. Often the signs of problems at school, difficulties such as harassment, are not readily evident, but you must find them if they exist. That is not an easy task, particularly since adolescents are often inherently private and moody. However, the alternative is academic failure or much worse. Gay youth are between three and four times more likely that straight youth to attempt suicide; and all boys are more likely to succeed at suicide attempts than are girls. While I do not want you to panic, you do need to face the potential ramifications of school related problems.
Notice whether you son has friends with who he socializes. All teens genuinely need social interaction with their age cohorts, but the majority of gay and bisexual teens report strong feelings of isolation, which can lead to depression. Notice if your son is going out with friends or if his friends visit him at your home. If not, check with a teacher who knows your son well to get a sense of your son’s in school social behavior. Teachers often are able to offer insights into your son from the vantage point of having experience with a wide variety of types of students.
Especially if your son does not appear to have much of a social life, but even if he does, encourage him to join at least one extra-curricular activity of his choice. What the activity is does not matter. There is value in any organized group that allows him to be with his peers working toward a shared objective. (That will continue to be true when he goes off to college or the work world as well.)
We all need to protect our children, no matter our personal views toward non-straight sexual identities. We all must love and, to the extent that we are able, protect our children. In fact, that is your most important job. But it is also important to let him know that you love him through your words and deeds.
